Heavy Heart....very heavy heart

My sister and I had to do something I wish no child should ever have to do. We laid our father to rest yesterday in Houston. I know my daddy would never want anyone in his family to hurt this bad, so I can only believe there was something else going on that led him to such a dark place, to make such an awful decision.
It's been many years since I've had a father daughter relationship due to immature choices made on both of our behalves. So I will take this time to recount the many blessings in our relationship. I'm blogging about this purely for a coping mechanism and to journal the many wonderful memories I have of my father.
So here are a few things I would like to share/remember:
1) I will always be daddy's little girl. I was his first and always will be. My mom and dad we're so in love with each other at a very young age. They wanted to get married but both set's of parents said absolutely not. So they thought and came up with a master plan........ to get pregnant. Because then they would HAVE to get married.So the two became one on November 29, 1974.  And then...Tada- this is where I make my grand entrance on Friday, June 13, 1975. 18 months later my sister Lisa was born. We both proudly share the title "Daddy's little girl".
2) My Daddy has the most beautiful blue eyes you've ever seen. In all my life, I have never met anyone that has the exact same shade of blue. I have him to think for my daughter's beautiful blue eyes. And although they're blue they're still not the same shade of blue.
3) My Daddy was a master craftsman. He could make anything. And what he did, wasn't just beautiful but it was absolutely perfect and extraordinary.
4) He could also fix anything! Motorcycles were a true passion of his. Not only did he fix them he built them from pieces of scratch. He built his first one, from pieces of a lawnmower! I remember my sister was such a champ to ride on a motorcycle with him for the first time. Me not so much, something scared me. But I finally got on and loved it. Until I fell off of it at the gas station. Poor dad, he did such a great job encouraging me to get on and then that happened.
5) My Daddy was a very hard worker. Both of my parents are very dedicated, give it 100% or nothing kind of people. I credit both of them for blessing me with such a driven work ethic.
6) My daddy used to wash our hair with Palmolive dish soap! And it worked just fine. Even made some amazing bubbles in the bathtub.
7) He loved to spoil both my sister and I. No matter what it may have been we wanted, we got it!
8) I have many memories of my Grandpa picking us up from daycare and making a stop to get us a "soda water" on the way to see our dad.
9) My daddy loved for us to pull his work boots off and rub his back after a long hard day. And we did proudly. And let me tell you, those were some hard boots to pull off! Although, I'm sure he made them purposely a little harder to pull off, just to laugh at us.

My mind is a flutter with all kinds of feelings and emotions. Of course the why is there, and always be. But my heart is even heavier, heavier than you can ever imagine, with guilt. Many times and with lots of counseling, I have tempted to pick up the phone and call my dad to rekindle our relationship. I never got there. I even tried once writing the conversation down to mail to him. Due to lots of tears....never got there either. So my heart is the heaviest in thinking, I should have picked up the phone and maybe this wouldn't have happened.........
He's never met my children. I, me, his first born have his ONLY grand daughter, and he's never met her. And through all these thoughts, that I know are normal, I hear my heavenly father. He tells me that none of this is my fault, my dad was sick and would never want any of this. But he wanted to be better and knew he would be, if he was with the almighty one. And being there, he will see me and my family more. Because I know he's watching over us. In fact, the night of his rosary, my mom was putting my children to sleep and had an overwhelming feeling of so much pride and love that was coming from my dad. She said I can't explain it Michelle, but he was there. And I believe her. But I'm sad that I can't run to him and hug him anymore, but I will one day. Because I know he'll be the first one to greet me in our eternal home. So until we meet again Daddy, I love you. Always have and always will.